Your First IEP Meeting: What Schools Don’t Tell You (But You Need To Know)

By Dr. Lauren, DrOT, MOT, OTR/L

When parents walk into their child’s first IEP meeting, almost every single one tells me

the same thing afterward:

“I had no idea what to expect.”

“I didn’t know what I was allowed to say.”

“I felt overwhelmed and afraid of getting it wrong.”

And here is what I tell them every time:

You are not supposed to know how to do this.

IEPs are complicated, emotional, and full of educational language that most people

never encounter until they are suddenly responsible for understanding it. Even

brand-new professionals struggle at first.

As an OT who has worked in public schools, therapeutic day schools, and now supports

families from outside the system, I want you to know this:

You are doing something incredibly important by showing up.

You deserve to feel confident and informed.

You are your child’s most important advocate.

My goal with this guide is to help make the process clearer, calmer, and more

empowering. I want you to walk into that meeting knowing what to expect, what

questions you can ask, and what your rights are as part of the IEP team.

Here is what I wish every parent knew before their first IEP meeting.

1. What an IEP Meeting Actually Is

An IEP meeting is a legally required gathering to create or update your child’s

Individualized Education Program. The team reviews things like:

● your child’s strengths

● areas of need

● evaluation results

● goals

● services

● accommodations

● placement decisions

● next steps

Most parents do not realize something very important:

You are a legal, equal member of the team.

You are not below anyone else in the room. Not below the teacher, the psychologist, the

therapist, or the administrator. You know your child better than anyone, and the law

recognizes that. You are there for a reason.

Your insight matters. Your observations matter. Your voice matters.

2. The Things Schools Often Forget to Tell Parents

There are certain rights and options that parents simply are not told. Not because

schools are trying to hide things, but because the system moves fast and teams forget

that parents do not do this work every day.

Here are the things most parents are shocked to learn.

You can slow the meeting down

If something feels confusing or if you need time to process, you can say:

“I would like more time to think about this before I sign.”

You do not have to sign anything during the meeting.

You can pause or table parts of the meeting

If something feels rushed:

“Let’s pause here. I need clarification before we move on.”

You control the pace more than you realize.

You can bring someone with you

A spouse, friend, advocate, therapist, or support person can join in person or virtually.

You do not have to attend alone.

You can request all documents before the meeting

Evaluation reports, draft goals, data sheets, proposed accommodations.

You can ask for them 48 hours ahead of time. This helps prevent surprises.

You can request a meeting anytime

If something feels off, if progress is not happening, or if your child’s needs change, you

do not need to wait for the annual review.

You can say:

“I’m requesting an IEP meeting to discuss concerns.”

The team must respond.

3. IEP vs 504: What Parents Actually Need To Know

Many parents go into meetings unsure whether their child needs a 504 plan or an IEP.

Here is a parent-friendly breakdown.

What an IEP provides

An IEP is for students who need specialized instruction, not just accommodations.

It includes:

● goals

● services like OT, speech, counseling, or specialized instruction

● accommodations

● modifications

● placement decisions

If your child needs changes to how or what they are taught, an IEP is usually the right

path.

What a 504 plan provides

A 504 is for students who need accommodations, not instruction.

Examples include:

● breaks

● extended time

● preferential seating

● visual supports

● sensory accommodations

A 504 removes barriers but does not include services.

Neither plan is better. They serve different needs. Evaluations help determine what is

appropriate.

4. Questions That Change the Tone of the Meeting

These questions show the team that you are informed, engaged, and focused on your

child’s success. They also open up productive conversation instead of conflict.

Here are some strong, respectful questions:

● “Can you show me the data behind this recommendation?”

● “What does this skill look like in the classroom?”

● “How will progress be measured for this goal?”

● “How did the team determine this amount of service time?”

● “What supports can we try before reducing services?”

● “How will communication between home and school be handled?”

● “If this were your child, what would you recommend?”

These questions are powerful. They shift the meeting from passive to collaborative.

5. Scripts You Can Use During the Meeting

It can be hard to find the right words in the moment. Here are scripts that help you stay

confident and clear.

If you disagree:

“I am not comfortable with that recommendation. Can we revisit other options?”

If you need clarity:

“Can you explain that in parent-friendly language?”

If the meeting feels rushed:

“I would like to slow down. This part is important.”

If the team is making a decision without data:

“What data was used to support that?”

If you need time:

“I want to review this at home before signing.”

If a goal is vague:

“What will this look like in the classroom?”

Scripts are not about confrontation. They are about clarity and confidence.

6. Red Flags: When to Pay Attention

These may signal that something is not aligned with your child’s needs:

● “We don’t have the staff for that.”

● “Let’s see how they do without services first.”

● Reducing services simply because your child made progress.

● Vague or immeasurable goals.

● Staff disagreeing during the meeting.

● You feeling unheard or dismissed.

These are signs you may need clarification, data, or a second opinion.

7. Green Flags: Signs the Team Is Supportive

A strong team will:

● ask for your input first

● explain recommendations clearly

● show you real examples from the classroom

● collaborate instead of dictate

● create measurable, meaningful goals

● match services to your child’s needs

● leave you feeling informed, not overwhelmed

When a team works well, you can feel it.

8. What “Data” Actually Means

Data is not vague statements like “He’s doing fine” or “She’s improving.”

Data should include:

● specific measurements

● frequency

● consistency

● observations from multiple settings

● clear explanations of how the skill was tested

You can ask at any time:

“What data was collected, how often, and by whom?”

This keeps decision-making grounded and fair.

9. A Parent-Friendly Checklist

Here is a simple checklist you can print or save:

● request documents before the meeting

● write down your top concerns

● bring a support person

● ask questions early

● request data for every decision

● ask for clarification anytime

● pause when needed

● avoid signing on the spot if you are unsure

Confidence comes from preparation, not perfection.

10. When To Seek Additional Support

It may be helpful to involve an advocate or therapist when:

● you feel overwhelmed

● the school’s recommendations do not match home concerns

● communication with the team is strained

● services have been reduced

● evaluations do not reflect your child’s needs

● you want a second opinion

● the process feels confusing or intimidating

With experience in both public schools and therapeutic day schools, and with a doctoral

background focused on school-based intervention models, I help parents:

● prepare for meetings

● review IEPs and evaluations

● understand data

● develop questions

● join meetings when needed

● make confident decisions

You do not have to navigate this alone.

Final Takeaway

Your child deserves meaningful support. You deserve clarity and confidence. Walking into an IEP meeting can feel intimidating, but when you understand the process, the laws, and the language, the meeting becomes a conversation instead of a battle.

You are the expert on your child. The school team is the expert on school. Together, you can build a plan that helps your child thrive. If you are preparing for an IEP or 504 meeting and want guidance, I am here to help.

You can learn more about IEP Support and Advocacy or schedule a consultation if you would like support. No pressure. Just clarity and partnership.

References

Individuals with Disabilities Education Act of 2004, 20 U.S.C. § 1400.

U.S. Department of Education. Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services. (2017). A guide to the Individualized Education Program.

Wright, P., & Wright, P. (2020). Wrightslaw: Special education law (3rd ed.). Harbor House Law Press.